Sour Grapes

That's how I feel.  Sour.  Last night we found out we're not pregnant.  This round of IVF was unsuccessful.  We knew this could happen, but sometime in the last two weeks I convinced myself it was okay to be hopeful.  It wasn't.  Hope allowed me to talk myself into pregnancy symptoms; nausea, dizziness, hunger, exhaustion, frequent visits to the bathroom.  I had these feelings, but I suppose the nausea was from taking meds on an empty stomach.  The dizziness was a side effect of my annual spring sinus issues, hunger from being busy and forgetting to eat, exhaustion from a heavy class load and not enough sleep, frequent bathroom visits because I was drinking a lot of fluids to keep the hunger at bay until I could get home to eat.  I feel. So. Stupid.

I don't regret our decision to share this journey with everyone because your prayers and thoughts have kept us sane through the process.  But in this moment I understand why so many people keep their fertility struggles a secret.  Because what do you say now?  Besides, "I'm sorry" everything rouses an anger in me I'm not used to feeling.  And there's nothing you can tell me right now that I haven't told myself over and over for the last three years.

1. "God has a plan".  Good for Him.  Do you think He could give me a glimpse of it so I can get on with life?  My prayers have gone unanswered for three years.  I really thought this would work.  Things were lining up so perfectly I truly believed this time it was God's plan.  Wrong.  Again!  I've never felt so far from God, and it makes me angry.


2. "You just have to be positive/hopeful/relaxed."  I've done that for three years and look where it's gotten me.  Absolutely nowhere.  I've said it before.  Infertility has taught me there is a very fine line between hope and insanity.  Hope can take you very far, but when is it too far?  In fact, an old boss of mine told me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different result.  No shit!  I am dancing on the line right now.  I am struggling to answer the question of, "when is it too far? When is it enough?"  I'm so tired of being disappointed.  I don't want to feel like this anymore.

The danger in writing this is that I push people away.  Please understand that I am upset with the circumstances, not with the people who are saying these things.  I know they are trying to console me.  And that really does mean the world to me.  I have the best family and friends!  My point in writing this is just to be honest.  It sucks!  Plain and simple.  Do you remember in Pretty Woman when Vivian gets to Edward's room and is laying on the floor watching I Love Lucy reruns?  In the rerun they're crushing grapes the old fashioned way, running around in a barrel barefoot.  I feel like those grapes.  Crushed under the weight of Infertility's big-ass foot.  Will I be okay?  Absolutely.  Just gotta work through the dark place right now.

Will we try again?  Yes.  We have one more embryo that was frozen.  But for now we are pulling back a bit.  It'll be some time before we try again.  And before you say it...who knows, we may get pregnant on our own between now and then.  Wait.  Maybe I should let you say it.  From your lips to God's ears.  Cause apparently I'm not being loud enough.  Ha!  Gotta find the humor somewhere.

Thank you all for your support in this.  It really has made us feel very loved, and very lucky to have that love.  Silver lining!